JAY'S POEMS

WARNING: Explicit Language

"Ode To Manuel" - ©1997

Oh, How I'd love to kick your ass

And toss you through the windshield glass

I'll get a bunch of poisoned darts

And throw 'em at your private parts

I'll bang your head and break your nose

Then strangle you with panty hose

'Melt some cheese all over your feet,

And watch the rats all come to eat

I'll have a piranha suck your dick

And shred it into powdered Quick

But before I really make you bleed,

I'll teach your dumb ass how to read

We'll go down to the library

Where I can beat you quietly

I'll string you up like a piñata

And beat the living shit out of ya

Then when I'm through, I'll let you go

But when I'm through, ya never know

'Might stop by at your house some night

And blast your ass with dynamite!

"Mike's Head" - ©1998

As he walks down the hall,

People tumble and fall,

Like pins as they're struck by this big bowling ball

Mike's head is okay if you're twenty feet tall

But damn! His body's the size of a doll!

And even those poor students trying to crawl,

Went flying and got blasted straight through the wall!

No offense, Mike, we're friends

But I thought you should know

That big head of yours has just got to go!

"Amber" - ©1998

You have a chin like no other

You can't blame your mother

You ate and you ate,

Now your neck's turned to blubber

It jiggles when you walk

It jiggles when you talk

But it shakes like a quake

When your mom bakes a cake

It trembles like Jell-O

Your chin has a grin

Your mouth opens wide and just lets it all in

We know we'll have trouble,

When it bursts like a bubble

Better run for the hills and duck down for cover!

The'll be lard everywhere

In everyone's hair

On Sonny and Cher

In my underwear!?

And it's not just fat,

It's acidic goo!

It'll burn right through me,

And it'll burn right through you!

So let's go now and kill the beast

Grab your forks, we'll have a feast

Burn her house down! Do it now!

'Cause I sure love the smell of flaming cow

"Smelly Dog" - ©1998

There was a smelly dog

Who took a smelly crap

She ran back in her smelly room

And took a smelly nap

She liked to lick her smelly butt

And eat what crud remains

So now the dog has smelly shit

Running through her veins

"Who The Fuck Owns McDonalds?" - ©1998

Who the fuck owns McDonalds?

Motha Fucka, I said who?

Answer me, motha fucka!

Who the FUCK - OWNS - MCDONALDS?

Ronald McFuckinDonald?

Well, if it's Ronald McFuckinDonald, that's all ya had ta fuckin' say

Don't be comin' into MY motha fuckin' house, disrespectin' me, you can't tell me who the fuck owns McDonalds

If I ask you who the fuck owns this house, you betta' tell me who the fuck owns this house

'Cause it sure as hell ain't you, motha fucka...

Get the fuck out my house

"Ramone" - ©2003

There once was a midget named Ramone

He was sad 'cause he was short and alone

But then came along

A cute dwarf in a thong

And guess what, six inches he'd grown

"Sick" - ©2004

There once was a man from Nantucket

He puked up his guts in a bucket

He tried to crawl

To the hospital

Three hours went by, he said "Fuck it."

"Cleaning Up The Mess John Left Behind" - ©2004

When John Lennon died, it was a sad, sad day

He was just too stoned to run away

Shot in the back as he tried to flee

Sorry, John, you're history

And Yoko screamed as she usually did,

In her songs where she sounds like a billy goat's kid

If he only could have ended his M.J. addiction

So at least he could recognize facts from the fiction

"A man of peace" but that was just a big joke

Enlightenment's tainted in a cloud of weed smoke

So the songs that he wrote were some of the best

Drugs opened his mind but what of the rest?

He poisoned his lungs, his blood and his brain

And they say the man who shot John was insane

He encouraged so many to follow his path

But where'd it lead him - why don't you do the math?

The truth is so strange, if you give it some thought

John Lennon was shot but done in by the pot.

"Hi, I'm Hairy" - ©2005

I wish I was hairless

From the neck down

'Cause I look real silly

Like a wig on a clown

They call me "The Wolf Man"

When I go out in shorts

I'd be made fun of less

If I were covered with warts

I pluck and I shave

And I wax and I trim

But it's back the next day

Yes, much thicker than thin

Oh, I wish it were so

Then my mom won't complain

How the bathroom gets flooded

When I clog up the drain

How I wish I were normal

Yes... Smooth like a beak

Oh, why must I be such a hairy-ass freak???

"LIFE in the Philippines" - ©2006

I feel like a toasted bun

Everyday in the blazing hot sun

There's sweat in my eyes

I'm surrounded by flies

And clean water... It does not run

I went to the grocery store

They've never heard of toilet paper before

Wondered how I would cope

'Said "Use your hand and some soap,

We Filipinos are very poor."

So I ran to the nearest phone

I said "Mom, would ya please take me home?"

I've gotten much thinner

Pig's blood is for dinner

And I don't see the dog at his bone

She said "Now son, relax.

I'm sending you a fax."

It said "Hey dude!

Sorry, you're screwed!

Hope you put bread in your tracks."

Now I'm broke and I'm on my own

So, I tried to go get a loan

At a place called "Ernesto's"

Got 500 pesos

It bought me an ice cream cone

So then I thought like a Filipino

And I went to the local casino

Put 40 on black

'Till I got 800 back

Said "Screw y'all, I'm goin' ta Reno!"

So, I thought I was finally free

But these jerks have an exiting fee?!?!

They said "Go find a wife

'Cause you'll be here for life

Build a hut by that coconut tree."

Do you really know what's goin' on?

Someone fucks your girl each time you're gone

His cock is six or seven times larger than yours

It's uncircumcised and it's covered with sores

It smells like a jogger on his 44th lap

Or worse, like a rodent dead for weeks in a trap

And he rubs it all on her as though applying a cream

Then he shoves it inside her, taking pride in her scream

He destroys her vagina like a ravenous shark

And then cums deep inside her pussy, leaving his mark

But it's not over yet, that was just the first round

He'll fuck her on the sofa, bathroom sink and the ground

You come home from work, she gives a kiss and a smile

And you're clueless you've been fuckin' with a whore all the while

You wonder why the house smells fresh like chopped mints and clovers

Hope you like the menu, 'cause you're having leftovers

I woke up one day, in the middle of the sea

How I ever got there, I dunno, beats me

Floating on a raft made of fresh, bloody meat

It sucks because I got my favorite shoes on my feet

Ow! ‘Wonder how I got this big ol’ bump on my noggin

The last thing I remember, I was watchin’ some chick joggin’

Stuck without food or drink, just drifting on a wave

Looks like I’ll be heading to a watery, deep grave

Here come the sharks now, curious, circling all around

Oh, well. That’s fine. I’d rather just be eaten up than drowned

Before I go, just wanna know who dumped me in the sea

Down comes the wall, and I recall the guilty one is me

I needed a good challenge, was gettin’ really bored

And that’s when I remembered that I brought along my sword

I yelled out to the sharks and said “Come get me if ya wanna!”

I reached into the pile of meat and pulled out my katana

The sharks leaped toward me all at once, I slashed in all directions

They each survived but every shark is missing several sections

A fin here, a tail there, I’m not that mean a guy

‘Just find it more effective than a mere punch in the eye

A shark-attack was all I needed just to calm my nerves

Now back to shore so I can find that chick with all them curves

This poem is an ode

To the ugliest bitch ever

I might sound like a jerk

But my words are so damn clever...

I don’t gotta know her

I don’t wanna either

She looks like a bear cub used her face for a teether

It HURTS to watch "Batman"

I’d rather eat squid

She looks like a walking, talking Garbage Pail Kid

Ah, the movie is ruined

I can’t bear to watch

She wouldn’t even look good after one quart of Scotch

Well, now we all know

Why The Joker went nuts

He stared at her too long and got emotional cuts

Like, just look at her face, Scoob

It’s starting to sag

So why is The Scarecrow the one wearing the bag?

In the scene where Bruce kissed her

I had to rewind

’Cause I swore I heard him muttering "Thank GOD bats are blind."

Two-Face stood alone there

When he got sad, and cried

But the audience jumped up and fuckin’ cheered when she died

She’s uglier than George, John, Ringo & Paul

Someone please throw a sheet over Maggie Gyllenhaal!